The Center of Attention: A Newborn Baby’s Struggle from Dependence to Dominance
By Brian Harty
*Editor’s Note- We are happy to feature Brian Harty’s latest piece which for all you parents out there will hit a little too close to home, enjoy! Check out Brian’s other piece for BYRT here.
Welcome to the first of our lectures on how to upset your parents so much that they not only question your existence but question their existence. This lecture is designed to help newborn babies become the center of attention in their respective households. If you are here for the toddler lecture on how to get into things that are dangerous for you, you are in the wrong room. First of all, I would like to thank the Harvard Baby Association for use of the lecture halls here at the Harvard Club. While our fathers plot economic dominance on Wall Street over cigars and scotch, we plot domestic dominance over binkies and formula. Before we begin let us all say the newborn babies code: On my honor, I will do my best to disrupt the life of my parents, I will give them no rest and no sense of dignity, I will do my best to make my parents miserable. It is my right as a newborn baby to dominate the house and be the center of attention.
The most important thing to remember as a newborn baby is to deprive your parents of sleep. Parents are much more prone to emotional manipulation when they have insufficient rest. As a rule, newborn babies should wake up several times during the night for feeding. However, for optimal sleeplessness, wait until your parents have just fallen asleep and then scream your head off. Don’t be afraid to cry so hard your face turns an unnatural color purple. Changing face color while crying has the added effect of medical concern and can energize your performance. Your cries should be so powerful that your parents’ only means to comfort you is co-sleeping. The goal is to be so disruptive at night that your parents are forced to sleep with you through junior high school. Remember, if you don’t see red in your parents’ eyes you are not doing your job.
Now, let us all practice our cry. Could I have all of the newborn babies in the room practice saying Waaaah.
Yes, that is excellent Billy!
No, no, no Tommy it’s not Waaay but Waaah. Put your back into it!
Your cry should make your parents regret ever thinking it might be a good idea to have a baby. Their only thought about conception should be conceiving ways to pacify you!
Next on our agenda, bodily functions. Making things messy is a great way to dominate your parents. Whether it’s poop, spit-up, or boogers coming out of your nose, you must make things messy. Poop is the most effective of bodily functions. The versatility of the texture and color of poop makes the possibilities of chaos endless. Parents react in different ways to poop so as newborn babies you will need to experiment with your poop to match your parent’s optimal level of repulsion. The best time to poop is a few minutes after your parents have changed your diaper. If you have a big juicy poop, wait until you have been changed into your daycare clothes. If you can perform this act during a special occasion, you’ve hit the motherload. Nothing makes parents more upset than seeing poop on a freshly ironed christening dress. The act of not pooping at all may also have benefits. Once I didn’t poop for two days and my mother was in such hysterics she cried for an hour. Remember, when diaper changing time comes move around on the changing table. A little poop on the hand or the threat of falling off the changing table onto your head ensures wanted and deserved attention.
This concludes our lecture. Please feel free to return next week when we will discuss how to amplify minor injuries so that your parents believe you are severely hurt. If you end up in the emergency room, you’ve successfully played your parents!
Please see Billy in the rear of the lecture hall for your parting gift, a signed copy of my book titled: The Center of Attention: A Newborn Baby’s Struggle from Dependence to Dominance. Remember, give them hell and poop in your diaper!
Thank You
