Not all cheap beer is terrible, not all music that is considered “bad” is terrible, not all craft beer is good. For instance, for a cheap beer, Corona Light is fine just as yacht rock has its place. No matter how you slice it though, in this one reviewer’s opinion, these are six vessels of terrible beer with six pretty terrible albums. For this installment in the Six Pack Series, it’s time for terrible beer and terrible music.
Milli Vanilli’s Greatest Hits and Natural Light Ice
Milli Vanilli was actually the impetus for this article. And in this case, it isn’t just that the music is mediocre, think generic dance pop from the late 80s/early 90s, but the back story is pretty horrific too. The lip-syncing wonders even got their Grammy for Best New Artist revoked! Funny thing about this beer though, Natural Light screams college, watery, and beer pong (not that all of those are adjectives). Their “ice” version for a terrible beer is on the better end of terrible, but I still won’t go out of my way to find one.
Kid Rock’s Devil Without a Cause and Cisco’s Grey Lady
There is absolutely nothing redeeming about Kid Rock save for maybe the utter cheesiness of “Bawitdaba.” It’s the worst of rap metal, which is absolutely terrible as it is. Cisco makes respectable beer but this wheat ale totally misses the mark; it just doesn’t taste good. At least in my opinion because someone must love it since it’s all over their mixed packs
Classy Freddie Blassie’s King of Men and Oozlefinch’s Dude Blanket
Recently reviewed in a podcast on terrible beer, this beer doesn’t work. It’s more mango puree than hazy IPA. Of course, the Freddie Blassie album is a silly joke but even for a silly joke, it’s just plain bad. At least it’s not a serious or an award-winning artist making terrible music!
Blood Brothers’ Burn Piano Island Burn and Bud Light
When this album came out it was literally one of the most hyped albums I heard about from friends and written about in magazines and online. People loved it! This was pre-streaming so to hear the album, one must buy it (or illegally download it via Kazaa). I found it like a buried treasure in Planet Records, a favorite Cambridge record store, soon after its release. I was excited to listen to it. I put it in the Discman and guess what? Terrible! I’m not averse to screaming but this is shrill and annoying. I tried to “understand” it for years after but still nada. It’s paired with a Bud Light because it’s also pretty terrible.
Three Six Mafia’s When the Smoke Clears and Michelob Ultra Gold
Unbelievably, a few years after this album, Three Six Mafia had a huge hit. Not saying if the track was good, but this album is flimsy. The cover looks like it was made on Print Shop. The production is iffy and the rap is pretty blah. No substance. Kind of like this beer, with less substance than a Michelob Ultra regular, just like the clean version of this album has even less substance than the original.
Creed’s Human Clay and Busch Light
I remember when Creed’s first album came out. Sure it was an Eddie Vedder clone with big metal riffs, but for my fourteen-year-old ears, it sounded pretty good. I’ll stay true that My Own Prison is not a terrible album. What is though, is what came after. Self-indulgent schlock that I could even decipher as terrible back then. “Higher” is pretty much the pinnacle of it. Busch Light is the opposite of over-indulgent as there is not much taste but it still is pretty bad.
How many sips of this six-pack did you get through? How many albums did you make it through? What would you include in your list of six terrible albums and/or six terrible beers? Cheers to being terrible!
